Using Regret to Make Us A Better Human

 Daniel H. Pink THE POWER OF REGRET How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward

Regrets, we all have them. We have dreams of do-overs, visions of what-ifs, and plenty of self-doubts. Often right behind my regrets comes relentless waves of heart-thumping emotions. Feelings of utter disappointment and lost opportunities have the potential to consume and define my ability and belief about myself as a human on planet earth. 

The beauty of Daniel Pink’s book, The Power of Regret, How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, is there is a better way of approaching regret. Pink takes a deep dive into the last seventy years of research on regret with “two simple conclusions” (p. 14).

Regret makes us human.

Regret makes us better.

Pink introduces the concept of counterfactual thinking of regret with the perspective of At Leasts and If Onlys. When contemplating a regret, the At Least mindset makes us feel better in the moment, and by contrast, If Onlys make us feel worse. For example, an Olympic runner might come away from their experience with If Only I won first place; versus the outlook of At Least I got a medal. “At Least counterfactuals preserve our feeling in the moment, but they rarely enhance our decision or performance in the future. If Only counterfactuals degrade our feelings now, but—and this is key—they can improve our lives later” (p. 38). 

Pink suggests how regrets can be the fuel for better decision-making. “We need the ability to regret our poor decisions—to feel bad about them—precisely so we can improve those decisions in the future” (45). One regretful step back can propel us—forward. “The near-miss likely prompted regret, which spurred reflection, which revised strategy, which improved performance” (p. 48). 

Pink shared one woman’s story from the World Regret Survey that might sound familiar to a few of us. As a child, she resisted her grandparent’s attempts at connecting. An If Only regret she will have forever. The key here is what she decided to do next. She made more purposeful decisions, built relationships, and deepened the meaning of her life with the loved ones that are still with her. “I seek out more meaning. I seek out more connections…I don’t want to feel the same way when my parents die that I felt about my grandparents of ‘What did I miss?’" (p. 50). 

Pink categories regret into four domains: foundation, boldness, moral, and connection. Regrets of failure to be responsible, take that chance, be a good person, and connect with others who help establish our sense of wholeness (p. 79-80). Looking back, most of us can find an example of each of those components of regret in our lives. Pink provides research findings, relatable examples, and actionable steps we can all consider as we look for stability, growth, goodness, and, yes, love.

“Think ahead. Do the work. Start now.” (p.96)

“Speak up. Ask him out. Take that trip. Start that business. Step off the train.” (p. 111)

“When in doubt, do the right thing.” (p. 129)

“Place the call. Make that visit. Push past the awkwardness and reach out. (p. 146).

"A solid foundation. A little boldness. Basic morality. Meaningful connections. The negative emotion of regret reveals the positive path for living" (p. 150). “If our lives are the stories we tell ourselves, regret reminds us that we have a dual role. We are both the authors and the actors. We can shape the plot but not fully. We can toss aside the script but not always. We live at the intersection of free will and circumstance” (p. 209). Regret can be how we tell and live our stories. 

I have a recent complicated story of genuine regret. It is sorely tempting to roll around in the mindset At Least, I still have what many do not. But Pink has helped me understand the personal growth I can accomplish by moving beyond If Only I would have done things differently. I can hold myself up, take action, do what I know is right, and reach out to others as needed. Not leaving the regret I have behind me, but moving forward with what it can teach me.